My brother and I always like to fit it in some extra movies to kick off a new season of ZMN, so we got together a second time and bore witness to:

Cockneys vs. Zombies

Cockneys vs Zombies

Not being of British descent, I have only a very passing familiarity with the term Cockney. From what I know, it describes a working-class segment of the population who use funny-sounding, sometimes indecipherable slang. CvZ pits a group of locals against an undead army. A team of good-hearted, but underachieving brothers plan a bank heist with their cousin, their friend, and an unhinged thug in order to save the nursing home that their grandfather owns. During the heist, zombies hit the streets, and now the team is tasked with crossing town to save the old folks while trying to keep themselves alive.

THE GOOD: CvZ is at times funny, heartfelt, and wacky. There’s some pretty good zombie action and I ended up caring about the characters, which is always good.

THE BAD: Some of the jokes about old people being tough and cursing got a little stale towards the end of the film. Not incredibly groan-worthy or anything that detracted too much. The gags just got a little….old. (See what I did?)

THE ZOMBIES: Pretty standard slow zombies. Slow enough to not be able to outrun an elderly man with a walker (one of the old people gags that was funny). There’s an origin story at the beginning of the film that involves a construction crew unearthing an ancient evil, but the cause of the outbreak is largely inconsequential.

VERDICT: CvZ is a solid film and pretty good throughout. Not great enough to breakthrough to the upper echelon of great zombie films, but definitely worth a watch. Grade: B+.

Current ZMN Rank#31 out of 126

Golden Zombey WatchMain character brothers, Terry & Andy seem likely contenders for Zombie Fighting Duo. The boys’ female cousin and the unhinged Mental Mickey might also take runs at Supporting Actress and Best Villain, respectively. The film also had some good music that might be enough for a Best Soundtrack nod.

Dorm of the Dead

Dorm of the Dead

As you can see, the poster for Dorm of the Dead features a ringing endorsement from Howard Stern: “Nice Job. Congratulations.” I’m quite sure he meant, “Congratulations on getting your horribly shit movie released to the public somehow.” Dorm of the Dead is bad. Really bad. Bad in the “can barely be considered a movie” kind of way. Any amount of time I spend writing about it will only be worth it if one person reads this and decides not to watch it.

THE GOOD: DotD has one very slight saving grace: it features some nudity. That’s the only nice thing I can say about it. It is slightly unsettling though, because after some un-story-related girls show their boobs, the main characters from that point on look like they’re about 15 years old.

THE BAD: But I guess that doesn’t matter because it also seems like most of the actors in this film never actually met one another. Rarely are two characters seen in frame at the same time. Extensive research reveals that this movie was filmed concurrently in California and Tennessee, and it’s pretty obvious which actors came from which region. The villain in the movie never appears in frame with the main character even when they are supposed to be having a face-to-face conversation.

THE ZOMBIES: The bulk of the “plot” revolves around the main character slowly becoming a zombie after the villain pours zombie blood in her mouth while she’s sleeping (did somebody say greatest college prank ever?). She starts to kill people in a very boring fashion. There’s also some other zombies running around, but they don’t really matter.

VERDICT: There’s no way I ever would have watched this for more than 5 minutes if it weren’t for Zombie Movie Night. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Anyway, DotD would have easily been bottom 3 in the Standings if not for nudity. Unlike the very bottom of the list, DotD at least had the decency to be slightly indecent.

Current ZMN Standing: #122 out 126

Golden Zombey WatchAmazing that a movie this bad could still contend for Worst Ending, yet it contains an epilogue completely unrelated to the rest of the film. It is painfully unfunny and seemed to go on forever, even though it was probably not much longer than 5 minutes.

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