Zombie Massacre & Zombie Hunter

Posted: 12/20/2013 in Movies
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My life is full of hard decisions. This month I had to decide whether the Netflix DVD I got by mail would be for ZMN or the final season of Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad won, which left me to scour through the Netflix streaming list. The only thing I knew about the film I had settled on was that it had been produced by Uwe Boll, a man famous for making terrible movies. Maybe Walter White should’ve waited.

Zombie Massacre

Zombie Massacre

The poster is right, There Is No Hope….for viewers, that is! (Har Har Har) OK, here we go. The evil American government has unintentionally let loose a zombie virus in an Eastern European factory town and wants to quickly and discretely blown the place to smithereens. In order to do so, they enlist a team of mercenaries led by a musclebound soldier who was released from secret prison just to do this job. The team swoops in and quickly discovers that there is no exit plan for them and that they are scheduled to blow up with the town. From there, it’s a mad dash to get to an escape helicopter, get revenge on the evil Army dude who set them up, and not get eaten by zombies.

THE GOOD: ZM is not very good. The acting and dialogue is garbage. The whole film is easily forgettable. Am I still talking about the positives? There is a scene of unintentional comedy gold as Army jerk gets a call from The President of the United States, in what has to be the worst casting of all time.

THE BAD: Usually when zombie movies are painfully boring it’s because they wait too long to throw the zombies in. ZM does not have that problem. It’s baffling to me that a movie can contain this much zombie action and explosions and still risk putting me to sleep.

THE ZOMBIES: Pretty standard fast zombies. The demolitions expert on the team takes some time to set up elaborate traps for them, which is really pretty dumb when you’re killing mindless zombies. There’s also a super-zombie at the conclusion for no reason and with no explanation at all.

VERDICT: This is my first Uwe Boll film, and while he’s only a producer on this turd, I’m gonna go ahead and say that his reputation is earned. Stay away from this waste of time. Grade: D-

Current ZMN Rank#117 out of 132

Golden Zombey WatchI don’t think ZM will be well-represented. Probably one nomination in Unintentional Comedy for the US President.


Zombie Hunter

Zombie Hunter


Danny Trejo once again lends his face out to a zombie movie poster. He appears in what is really more of an extended cameo, much the same as last season’s stinker, Rise of the Zombies. Fortunately, Zombie Hunter is better than RotZ. Unfortunately, it’s still not all that good.

The titular Zombie Hunter is not Trejo, instead it’s some skinny white dude with frosted tips who speaks in a poor-man’s Christian Bale-Batman voice. He’s traveling the world alone, when he unexpectedly runs into Trejo’s small band of survivors. They hit the road after being overrun. On their journey they run afoul of a crazy cannibal with a chainsaw, some big CGI super-zombies, and of course, regular zombies.

THE GOOD: ZH is ok. It’s nothing great, but it doesn’t take itself too seriously. They at least made good use of Trejo, making him a badass zombie killer who prefers to fight shirtless with an axe.

THE BAD: It’s hard to get behind the main character. I just kept wondering what post-apocapalyse beauty salon he was getting his hair dyed at. There are also some not-too-clever audience winks: the drug that started the outbreak is called Natas (Satan backwards…ooooh) and the small cannibalized town is named Dahmer (…..aaaah). 

THE ZOMBIES: As mentioned, the apocalypse in ZH is brought on by a new street drug that has zombie side effects. For some reason, the filmmakers decided that zombies should have bright pink blood and guts, which seems like an odd choice. There are also super-zombie-monsters for no explainable reason. That seemed to be a theme for the night.

VERDICT: You could definitely do better than ZH, but you could most definitely do worse. It falls below the median. I give it a weak recommendation for diehards only. Grade: C

Current ZMN Rank#77 out of 132

Golden Zombey WatchPossible contenders in the acting categories, but I wouldn’t be surprised if none of them made it on the final ballot. Maybe a Memorable Massacring nod for Trejo taking out zombies with an axe.


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