Posts Tagged ‘G.I. Joe’

John Dies at the End

John Dies at the End

A day before Zombie Movie Night I had John Dies at the End at home. I popped it into the DVD player and within 2 minutes, there’s a zombie on screen! I immediately turned it off and decided to hold onto it for Zombie Movie Night. Ya’see, after last month’s debacle with The BayI couldn’t afford to take any chances and here was a movie that definitely contained a zombie.

That being said, JDatE is not really a zombie movie. It contains that one zombie at the beginning and some zombie-ish creatures later on, but it’s more of a wacky movie that throws all sorts of creatures and supernatural phenomena at the audience. Dave and his buddy, John, accidentally take a recreational drug (well Dave accidentally takes it anyway) that gives them a sort of hyper-awareness. Their senses are enhanced, which gives them the ability to recognize creatures that exist outside of regular human awareness. It also allows them to communicate with the dead. A series of zany events follow. JDatE is an intentionally confusing movie and did a good job of making me feel like I sort of knew what was going on even though most of it doesn’t make any sense.

THE GOOD: JDatE is a good movie. It’s a better sci-fi movie than it is a zombie movie. It was interesting and funny with good acting and effects all around. It contained some unnecessary, gratuitous nudity, which has been lacking this ZMN season. It also contains a dog driving a car, a monster made completely out of meat from a freezer, and Paul Giamatti, so that’s good.

THE BAD: The film can be confusing at times and contained some loose ends, but most of that seemed built in.

THE ZOMBIES: There’s one true zombie, the guy we see at the very beginning. We don’t see much from him and he really doesn’t fit into the overall story at all. There are also alien-leech things that can take over human bodies, so that kinda counts too, I guess.

VERDICT: Again, JDatE is a good movie, but is low on zombie content. I’d recommend it, but if you and your date only get turned on by zombie movies, then this won’t do it for you. As a movie: B+, with a deduction for lack of zombies: C+

Current ZMN Rank: #29 out 112

Golden Zombey WatchI always like name actors for Supporting Actor, so maybe Paul Giamatti sneaks in. There’s an animated segment, which will probably qualify it for the thin category of Best Animated or Partially Animated Zombie Feature. I like the film’s chances best for Nudity, though.



After so many quasi or non-zombie movies, it was nice to watch a true, straight up zombie film. Adolf Hitler and the Nazis have been making zombies and supernatural mischief for years. Honestly, it’s become a bit played out. Isn’t there some new deceased evil asshole that we can make the source of monster mayhem? Thank you, Osombie, for being the first of what is probably many.

THE GOOD: I honestly did not expect much from Osombie, but apart from trying to cash in on the death of the most hated American villain of all time, it’s actually a good zombie movie. It is essentially GI Joe vs. Zombies. And I loved GI Joe and I love zombies. The small group of soldiers fighting their way through the zombie-infested desert even have nicknames like Joker and Tomboy. They each get a little bit of character development, which is surprisingly well done.

THE BAD: If you’re looking for great cinema, it’s not here (and why are you looking for great cinema in zombie movies anyway, weirdo?). One thing that I did find distracting was the bad CG blood splatter. And this film was on Kickstarter, so if you donated, you may have paid for that bad-looking blood (you should have donated some corn syrup and red dye instead).

THE ZOMBIES: Regular brainless, shambling zombies here. Infected by the Taliban, of course. Even Osombie himself is a standard zombie, no messing with tradition here.

VERDICT: I liked this movie. It spoke to things that I like and did it pretty well. You may be less inclined to like it, but that’s your problem. Grade: A-

Current ZMN Rank: #27 out of 112

Golden Zombey WatchI like the female soldier, Tomboy, for Best Supporting Actress. We’ll see if Osombie can make the short list in the crowded category of Outstanding Zombie. The whole movie is zombie slaughtering, which makes it hard to pinpoint a scene for Most Memorable Massacring of Zombies, but come award season I’ll see what I remember most.


G.I. Joe: Zombie-Viper

Posted: 03/27/2012 in Novelties
Tags: , , ,


Cobra recruit #1: “We finally made it through evil basic training. Look, our assignment letters are here!”

Cobra recruit #2: “Oh boy! I really hope I made it into the Cobra EELS, or at least the Snow Serpents!”

Cobra recruit #1: (opens envelope) “Well, looks like I’m a Tele-Viper, the biggest nerds in Cobra. Dang.”

Cobra recruit #2: “Haha, sucks to be you. I’ll send you a email when I’m kicking ass in the Crimson Guard.” (opens envelope) “Ohhhhhh…..fuck.”

Cobra recruit #1: “What is it? Infantry? Dreadnok music video producer?”

Cobra recruit #2: “……Zombie-Viper. Shit.”

G.I. Joe is my favorite toy line of all time. Growing up in the 80’s, I was crazy for the 3 3/4 inch figures and they were often the highlights of the birthdays and Christmases of my formative years. As you may guessed. I also enjoy zombies. So imagine my excitement when I saw Zombie-Viper hanging on the shelf during a recent trip to Target.

From Zombie-Viper’s filecard:

ZOMBIE-VIPERS are COBRA infantry troopers who have been given a mysterious chemical substance, Compound Z, that has turned them into drones. Wiped of all thought, they follow orders mindlessly and cannot be reasoned with or sidetracked. They have retained their skill at combat; in fact, their desire to fight has been increased, making them more dangerous than before. In other words, they are deadly zombie warriors.

Now keep in mind, Cobra already has an army of robots who follow orders mindlessly and cannot be reasoned with. Why they feel the need to zombify their own soldiers is beyond me. Maybe just to remind everyone that they’re evil (the same reason Hitler keeps churning out those zombies 70 years after his death).

Anyway, the action figure itself is pretty cool. The modern Joe figures are high quality in general. Good looking sculpts, just the right amount of articulation (no unnecessary cuts or joints), and usually a load of accessories. Zombie contains all of these. I don’t have much use for his accessories, he comes with two interchangeable weird mutant/plant arms, a helmet and tube that connects to ports in his back, and a figure stand, but it’s nice that they’re included. Zombie’s blue highlights are a little odd, too, but it’s understandable that the figure isn’t made to look too gruesome. He does have sculpted hair that is painted the same grey color as his skin. It would have been nice if they gave him some hair color.

Zombie-Viper was $9 at Target. That’s a little pricier than I like, especially considering that just a few years back, Joes were selling for $6. I think you can pick him up for a dollar cheaper at Wal Mart, but it might be tough to find him as WM doesn’t seem to carry very many Joes lately. I can’t say that the other figures are worth the price, but my Zombie buddy sure is. He’s a great figure, especially considering that you can easily mix him in with any number of 3 3/4 inch figures that are out there.