It’s April and although it’s still pretty cold in upstate NY, Spring has sprung. April also marks the beginning of the second half of Zombie Movie Night, Season 4. The first half has been pretty impressive for the most part, adding 3 new movies to the top 5. Let’s hope that the 2nd half comes just as strong. First up tonight was:
Hunting Creatures
This season has been pretty low on subtitles. My brother corrected that by adding Germany’s Hunting Creatures to the roster. HC tells the story of a group of low-level thugs who cross the path of a scientist with a pretty poor sense of ethics. The scientist unleashes an experimental formula meant to increase life expectancy on a group of unknowing, partying Germans. The thugs manage to escape the party and team up with the scientist in order to hunt and destroy the creatures that are now running wild. As simple as that synopsis sounds, I spent most of the film not knowing what the hell was going on.
THE GOOD: Everything good about this movie was unintended by the film’s creators. Some of the plot devices were laugh-out-loud funny, such as the scientist’s claim that he didn’t plan to make an unstoppable-super zombie, but when a guy asked him for some Tylenol, he took that golden opportunity to inject him with an experimental serum in order to find out how regular zombies react to guns. Wait, What?
THE BAD: Oh, it’s all bad. Every aspect of film making here is bad. Luckily, most of it is terrible and entertaining and I never once felt like gouging my eyes out.
THE ZOMBIES: These guys appear to be fast variety zombies. A distinguishing characteristic was the development of sharp teeth. Despite their nasty chompers, these zombies were inefficient for the most part. They get a couple of kills early on, but later when the heroes are creature hunting, many of them get put down without putting up much of a fight. There is the aforementioned super-zombie, Boris, who can’t be killed, but also suffers a handful of beat-downs. Threat Level: 3
VERDICT: While laughingly bad movies are more entertaining than straight-up bad movies, I can’t justify giving HC anything higher than a D.
Current ZMN Rank: #96 out 109
Golden Zombey Watch: HC is currently one of only two eligible nominees for Best Foreign Language Film. There’s a slight chance that Ollie, the ridiculous scientist, may sneak in for Best Villain or Boris for Outstanding Zombie.
Next up was my pick of the night:
The Bay
…………………SSKKRREEEEEECCCHHH!!!!!!!!………………………
ERROR!! ERROR!! ERROR!!
There’s nothing worse on Zombie Movie Night than a movie with no zombies! The Bay has the honor of being the second film disqualified from ZMN eligibility for lack of zombie content. It contains a parasitic pandemic with government cover-up, but even with the loosest of zombie definitions, it does not qualify.
You cannot imagine my shame. I can no longer give my brother shit for presenting Carriers in 2011.
Ok, so after a bit of a scramble and perusal of Netflix’s streaming movies, we put on movie #3:
Remains
Remains is comic book-based movie made exclusively for Chiller, a basic-cable horror channel. The story is not incredibly original, but that’s not always a bad thing. A group of survivors who barely tolerate each other hole up in a rundown casino after a Night of the Comet-esque blast turns the world into flesh-hungry zombies.
THE GOOD: Remains is decent. It’s never great, but never awful. The cast contains a few vaguely familiar faces and everyone puts in a pretty good performance. Remains does contain the first use of an American Gladiators-type Gyro Ball to navigate through zombies. Not a bad idea if you’ve got one lying around.
THE BAD: Nothing sticks out as atrociously bad, but I get the feeling that in a few months I’ll have trouble distinguishing Remains from a number of other average to below average zombie flicks.
THE ZOMBIES: The first wave of zombies are pretty typical shamblers, though they do start to eat each other once in awhile, which you don’t see that often. They also sleep standing up at night, which seems weird. If you’re gonna make your zombies sleep, why would they stay standing? Later in the film, faster, more aggressive zombies show up, though no explanation is given. Threat Level: 6
VERDICT: Remains falls just below the median. It’s not bad for a basic cable movie, but it’s not going to make anybody jump and shout. Well, at least it had zombies in it. Grade: C-
Current ZMN Rank: #69 out of 109
Golden Zombey Watch: Best Supporting Actress is always a weak category, so I think Tawny Cyprus has a pretty good shot. Grant Bowler and Evalena Marie were good in the lead roles, but the competition for nominations will be a bit stiffer for them.
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